Infomercials’ 10 Commandments
1. Thou shalt attempteth not to selleth a one-step product which, by its name or by its very being, portendeths “Prevention”: And thou shalt always remember that in all eternity the 60 second or less one-step commercial hath never produceth fruit.
2. Thou shalt always includeth the required disclaiming liturgy upon and within thy productions, lest the heavy hand of the FTC reacheth out and smites thee firmly and sendeth thou fundage to the darker regions.
3. Thou shalt only engageth assistance from personage which have ascendeth to and now inhabit the lofty heights amongst their peerage, which are known to all, even unto Heaven, as Direct Response Experts.
4. Thou shalt honor thy merchant accounts and keep them from dishonor and charge backs, lest thou be driven into the endless abyss of the Factor Monster who will gnash thy profits.
5. Thou shalt forever and always watcheth thy back-end marketing, for it will sustain and comfort thee in times of trouble, recession and Democratic Party leadership.
6. If thou chooseth to visit the haunt of the COD siren, thou shalt maketh sure that the brown robed ones in their brown chariots, delivereth thy brown boxes unto thy customer within 72 hours lest thy customer deserteth thee and thy bundle, leaving thee with handfuls of brown matter which smelleth poorly.
7. Thou wilt kneel and worship the CPO idol, and regard it to the highest, even before thy family and countrymen, keeping it above all others.
8. Thou shalt never take heart in nor believeth the lying Media Rate Card tablet, for it and its gods are false and deceiving and dwell in the lower regions. And woe be unto him who believeth the creeping Media scorpion and who agree-eth to a 90 day test, for he shall be stung and cry out in pain and his bankers shalt call him foulest of the most foul and bringeth doubt upon the species of his parents.
9. Protect thyself from the Knocketh Offerers by knocking thine own self off.
10. This above all, it is the wise man who understandeth well his customer, both his mental and financial capacity, and never forgeteth to employeth writers of words who truly knowest not only how to informeth, but most importantly, how to selleth.